So my friends and i watch this reality show, Ruby. It's about the weight loss journey of a woman who used to be 700 pounds. I myself have been trying to lose weight. I figure I better get buff and thin before forty or I'll forever become a fat chick. But it's like mission impossible with the metabolism of a rock. WTF!? I kinda play the theme song in my head every morning before I step on the scale. It just sucks, especially when trying to get back out there in/on the dating scene. How can I go anywhere and compete with the 20 something crowd. If I go where there are older people then I'm getting picked up by 60 year olds. No offense to older guys, but I'm only 39, no way in hell am I ready for anyone over 45. One thing that i notice though, if one guy finds me attractive and we get a little "busy" then all of the sudden men from my past also start acting kinda sexual around me. I don't get it. How do they have such radar? It's a weird universal twist. Quite frankly, it bugs the shit out of me because I'm not sure if I'm just acting sexier and they notice that or is it more that they get this sense that even though they don't want me, they don't want anyone else to have me either. Like the dear Charlotte on Sex and the City once said, "I'm sick of dating. Where is He already? I'm exhausted!"

It was so great to spend an entire weekend with family and girlfriends. Of course I did try to get in a little romance, but that didn't pan out. There's always next weekend. This is officially the end of a week long break from work. I had a pretty exhausting week just running around with people. Work might actually give me a break from my vacation. I took home a bunch of work actually thinking I would get to it but instead i just kinda kept moving the pile around from one spot in my kitchen to another. I still have a few hours to try to get something done before the rat race begins again. We'll see what happens. Right now I'm so tired and my little one will not nap for anything today. Why am I so tired? Well i chatted with my friend until 1:00 am and woke up bright and early to food shop, do dishes and start laundry. Then I got this great idea. I'll try to walk/run around the Lake in Wakefield. Now I can barely lift my feet. Smooth move Pammi, smooth move. Is it bedtime yet?

Back in the Saddle Again

OK, so I'm almost forty and kinda feeling freaked out a bit. Well, I'll be forty next March, but it feels like next week. I mean, when the fuck did i get so old? At this point in my life I thought I would be settled financially and romantically. I'm no where near settled in either category. Actually my life seems to be like living in a snow globe. Just when i think things are settling, someone comes over, picks up my life, gives it a good shake just to make sure the shit's flying everywhere and then walks away. WTF? Don't get me wrong things are going really great right now but I'm so confused at times. Who keeps shaking my fucking globe? Especially when it comes to the romantic part. There's nothing scarier than dating at my age. I have had two long term relationships and know nothing about dating. I feel this pressure that's motivating and exhausting at the same time. The harder I try to lose weight, the more pimples I get. The feeling or need to be perfect in order to compete with younger counterparts can be a real pain in the ass. My solution so far is to just get drunk. Seriously, the more I drink the sexier I feel and the more he drinks the better I look (beer goggles are my friends). And so am I mad at my ex? Definitely but not completely. Being back in the saddle again means I get to jump back to circa 1989 when I graduated high school and believed in prince charming. I'm still hopeful with so much more confidence then I ever had. I'm a woman with vast experience. And yet as I type I'm getting texted for a "booty call". Is there a class on this shit?